Mac: Dennis, I found the perfect girl for Charlie. Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
Dennis: Where??
Mac: Right there.
Dennis: Over by the pool table?
Mac: Yeah. Nice!
Dennis: That’s great, Mac.
Dee: Good work, Mac!
Dennis: That’s a dude.
Mac: No, the one with the exposed midriff and the cans.
Dennis: Yeah, that’s Eric Wyzotski’s cousin. Carmen, right?
Mac: Yeah, Carmen.
Dennis: Tranny.
Dee: Implants?
Dennis: Yeah.
Dee: Nice.
Mac: Are you sure?
Dennis: Yeah. Look at his jeans, dude. There’s and unmistakeable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
Dee: Yeah, there’s a dick in those pants.

Mac: Hey Carmen! Hey, yo, Carmen!
Carmen: Hey!
Mac: Charlie has cancer.
Carman: Oh my god, you poor baby, I’ll be right down!

Mac: Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic, or what?
Carmen: No, I work out like everyday. You look like you work out, too.
Mac: Yeah, one would think but it’s pretty much all natural.

Dennis: Hey, buddy?
Charlie: Dennis!
Dennis: What’s going on, man? You seem really happy!
Charlie: Uh, I feel pretty happy.
Dennis: Do you? What happened?
Charlie: I think you know what happened.
Dennis: I might.
Charlie: Yeah, I think you do know. You talked to that waitress, right?
Dennis: Yeah!
Charlie: It totally worked. It totally— I don’t know what you said, but we went out on this date. She really likes me. So thank you, man.
Dennis: You’re welcome, man! Yeah, you seem flushed. You seem like a—
Charlie: I feel like a— I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know?
Dennis: Hahaha. That’s great, man. That is terrific. It must really take your mind off things then, huh?
Charlie: Sure, yeah, what things?
Dennis: Well, you know the… cancer.
Charlie: … Here’s the thing though. About cancer. I don’t have it.

The Waitress: What do you want, Charlie?
Charlie: I like your bracelet.
The Waitress: Great.
Charlie: That’s one of those, uh, Lance Armstrong, “Race for the Cure”… “Live Strong” kind of things.
The Waitress: Yeahhh.
Charlie: Cool. That’s very cool. You must be a very compassionate person—
The Waitress: I’m not.
Charlie: Uh—
The Waitress: Did you want something from me, or…
Charlie: What time are— are you getting off work? It’s not a… thing to walk away about. Whatever.

Dennis: I don’t get it, Dee. There are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?
Dee: They’re at the velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
Dennis: Why?
Dee: Dennis, our bar is in South Philly. In a scary alley. Might as well call it Rape Bar.

Carmen: Oh, my god! I think you broke my nose!
Guy #1: That guy’s beatin’ on that chick!
Mac: Oh, no. You know what? It’s a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it’s okay.
Guy #1: Dude, isn’t that a hate crime?
Guy #2: Shit yeah, it’s a hate crime!

Dennis: Charlie’s right, he should have at least had a say in the matter.
Dee: Well it’s her body, it’s her decision.
Dennis: No, I’m sorry.  It is not just her decision. The man should get a vote.
Dee: Okay, well ultimately it’s her choice!
Dennis: It is not just her choice!
Mac: It’s nobody’s choice! It should be left up to God!