Dennis: What the hell is she doing here?
The Waitress: What the hell is she doing here? Really? Really? I’ll tell you what I’m doing here. You wanna know what I’m doing here, shit-for-brains? I had SEX with YOUR DAD. That’s right! I had sex with your father because just like you, I like my sex OLD and UGLY. And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you’re having sex with them, it just falls off! Because that’s what you do, Dennis Reynolds. You like to have SEX WITH OLD PEOPLE. And you said that you loved me! You said ‘I love you’. And so I thought, okay, well I love you too, how do you show love? You’re going to have sex with old people? SO THAT’S WHAT I DID TOO. (A tear falls down Charlie’s cheek).

Dennis: Hello, hi. I’m a recovering crackhead. This is my retarded sister that I take care of. I’d like some welfare, please.

Charlie: Here’s a confession: I’m in love with a man. What? I’m in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Dennis: Look, look. The point is that if Charlie took any time to STUDY in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
Charlie: You gotta be - you don’t know SHIT about the Constitution, man.
Mac: Uhh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
Dennis: Thank you.
Dee: Oh we hate - Charlie, we hate freedom. Ew, we hate it.
Dennis: Yup. Hate it. Hate freedom.
Charlie: Oh, I’m un-American?
Frank: You’re practically a Vietcong.
Charlie: Oh, is that right? Okay, you wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let’s roll out of here.
Dee: Where are we going?
Charlie: We’re gonna go America ALL OVER THEIR ASSES.

Dee: So, here’s the thing, Artemis…I know the last time we saw each other it got kind of awkward when you licked my brother’s face. But I need some help from an actor, ‘cause I’ve been doing this gig with my friend Charlie and he is really bringing me down.
Artemis (nods solemnly): Not everyone has the gift. Wanna smoke some hash?

Dennis: Okay, guys, you can stay, but none of your weird shit.
Ryan: I don’t follow.
Mac: Ah. All right, listen. We’ve heard some things about you two. I’m not gonna get into the specifics, we just don’t want it in the bar, okay?
Liam: It’s a free country. Bitch.

Dennis: So, if you like the Virgin Mary, and you like beer - come on down to Paddy’s Pub, we’ve got ‘em both. (Winning smile)