Charlie: Alright, Mac. I’m gonna ask you now ‘cause I’m tired and hungry. I want to go home, I want to wash my hands of this whole stinking mess. DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SNAP INTO AN ALTERNATE AND DISTICT PERSONALITY, CAUSING YOU TO GO ON A SERIAL KILLING RAMPAGE?
Mac: What? No!
Charlie: Wh— Yes, you did. You— All right, Mac. You’re crazy, right? You’re a crazy person. Sometimes you’re two people. Let’s see the other guy, let him out.
Mac: Let who out!?
Charlie: THE SERIAL KILLER, MAC! LET THE SERIAL KILLER OUT! C’MON!
Mac: I’m not a serial killer!
Frank: Then why all the shady behavior!?
Mac: I’VE BEEN BANGING THE TRANNY! I DIDN’T WANT YOU GUYS TO FIND OUT!
Charlie: No. You’re trying to— What?
Dee: Ew.
Dennis: Oh.
Dee: Oh I don’t even know how that works!
Mac: It’s complicated, There’s a lot— She tapes it back.

Charlie: That’s everyone on the bus, dude. They’re leaving!
Frank: Maybe they’re having the tryouts in a different place!
Charlie: Son of a bitch. Alright. Screw it, man. We’re here, we’ll just relax.
Frank: Stay here and look at the Linc? Like a couple a dicks in a yard!? Get outta here! We gotta get up and go! Let’s go follow that bus! C’mon!

Dee: Hey guys. What’s up?
Mac: What the hell is this?
Dee: How’s it hangin’?
Dennis: This is a joke, right? You think anyone’s gonna buy that?
Dee: Whatever, bro.
Dennis: You’re gonna get crushed!
Mac: Dee, the second any part of your body touches that field, it’s going to shatter like glass.
Dennis: You’ve got bones like glass.
Dee: I don’t have bones like glass.
Dennis: You spent half your life in a back brace. Your body’s like, 90% Scoliosis, Dee.

Mac: The Linc, dude! The Linc!
Dennis: Yeah, baby!
Mac: I am actually gonna be able to look down and literally see how many yards I’m running.
Dennis: This is gonna be awesome, dude.
Mac: We might actually get further in this little tryout than we thought. You see how many yahoos are trying out?
Dennis: I’ve seen a lot of people wearing capes!
Mac: There are like 15 guys wearing capes.
Dennis: Why would you wear a cape? What advantage does that give you?
Mac: Absolutely none. You know what? Have a little respect. We are here with the Philadelphia Eagles and they are opening up their doors to us. I mean, this is a boyhood dream!
Dennis: I know, I know. Why even come out here if you’re not going to take this somewhat seriously?
Mac: You done pissing yet?
Dennis: No, I haven’t even started pissing yet because you’re standing next to me, you’re talking to me, it’s making me nervous and I can’t do my thing.

Doyle: Hey, man, stop smoking, will ya? Some of us are trying to make the team.
Mac: Are you kidding me, bro?
Doyle: No.
Mac: Guy, if you think you’re actually going to make the Philadelphia Eagles, then you’re pathetic.
Doyle: You’re pathetic.
Mac: No, you’re pathetic, sport.
Doyle: No, you are!
Mac: You’re pathetic!
Doyle: You’re pathetic!
Mac: YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS PATHETIC!
Doyle: Whatever, man! When I’m done with this tryout, you’ll go back to your sad, pitiful life and I’ll be on the Eagles. And everybody in Philadelphia will know the name McPoyle.

Mac: Gettin’ laid tonight. “Come on in. I’m horny.” Giddy-up. … Hello? Sandy?
Dee: Hey, come on in! Have a seat. I made you some cookies! I’m just in here changing into my bikini!
Mac: Really? Can I come back?
Dee: Uh-uh!
Mac: Oh. Got the wine coolers!
Dee: Yummy! Did you bring any condoms?
Mac: Oooh, not really into the whole “condom” thing, soo…
Dennis: Hello, Mac. How are you?
Mac: What are you doing, dude?
Dennis: Why don’t you have a seat? Enjoy a cookie, have some iced tea.
Mac: Okay.
Dennis: Who are you here to see?
Mac: My friend Sandy.
Dennis: Ohhh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blonde girl?
Mac: I have no idea.
Dennis: Uh, Sandy. Why don’t you come out here, please?
Dee: Ohhhh, why hello, Mac.
Dennis: Not so young and attractive, is she?

Mac: That’s enough moonshine, Frank!
Frank: No no no!
Mac: WE DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO GO BLIND!
Frank: You can never have enough moonshine! Trust me on this, I know what I’m talkin’ about!
[Takes a drink.]
Frank: Ugh! We gotta lace it with something sweeter. We gotta add a little sweetening. Deandra! Could you be a darling and run down and get daddy some Anti-Freeze?

Ingrid: SHUT UP! Shut up. Dee Reynolds!?
Dee: Yeah.
Ingrid: INGRID! Nelson! From high school!
Dee: Ingrid Nelson!? You look so different! What happened to all the fat parts?
Ingrid: I lost them! I lost a ton of weight!
Dee: Wow!
Ingrid: And look at you. You look so beautiful!
Dee: Awwww.
Ingrid: You don’t have that hideously, ugly, disgusting back brace anymore! God, we were such losers in high school. Do you remember what people used to call us?
Dee: Uh, I don’t remember.
Ingrid: The Aluminum Monster and Fatty Magoo!
Dee: …Yeah that was it.
Ingrid: Remember!? You were the Aluminum Monster. I was Fatty Magoo.
Dee: Mmm, yes. Yes.
Ingrid: Hey, do you remember how you used to say that you were gonna be famous and have your own clothing line?
Dee: Did I say that?
Ingrid: Oh, my God. Every day! Every day it was “famous actress” this and “famous model” that. And all the kids did was laugh at you.
Dee: That is— that is a good memory!
Ingrid: Well, no, I mean it inspired me. I thought to myself, “If the Aluminum Monster can do it, then so can I.”
Dee: Oh!
Ingrid: Dee! You’re in my store!
Dee: This is your store! Wow! All this. Yours. Gosh!
Ingrid: Hey so did you ever do any of the— Are you a model now!?
Dee: Well, yeah, y— y— yeah! Not— Not— Not— Yeah! Not right now… because I’m shopping!
Ingrid: Did you go to law school?
Dee: OH MY GOD I DID.
Ingrid: You did!?
Dee: Yeah, for a little while. I loved it!
Ingrid: God, you must be so busy.
Dee: I’m so busy! So busy that I have to go but it was REALLY excellent to see you
Ingrid: It was sooo good to see you too! I would love to hang out!
Dee: HANG OUT? WE’RE GONNA HANG OUT! WE’RE GONNA DO THAT! WE’RE GONNA DO ALL OF THAT!

Frank: Do you think your son’s out there killin’ people?
Mrs. Mac: …Yeah.